The denial of my sickness, lead me to not want to visit the past. The truth is my bearable suffering was emotionally traumatizing. Yes, i was STRONG, yes i fought with a smile on my face. But it was quite horrible, in the sense that while i spent so much time in the hospital i spent it ALONE. i spent so much time with myself and feeling terrible all while having to face the greatest fear of actually being alone. Visits from amazing volunteers and friends and family is all i looked forward to. Not only was i fighting cancer but i was fighting the demons that mentally bring me down. My negativity. all i wanted was a distraction from reality. Something else to be worse. and at that time it was WORSE, so how could i fight my sadness while at the same time try and survive?
That's when i realized that my sadness is petty to the greater issues of myself. Was i really wasting all that time on depressed matters, putting my faith in people who would further disappoint me. I love it when others are happy. It puts a damper on my day when people ask about my cancer... like it hurts them more than me. I'm one of the lucky ones. I got the best cancer anyone could ever get. others aren't so lucky and my heart aches for their families.
During my cancer treatment, i mostly fought with myself. I was given a chance to want to LIVE when for so long i wanted to take my own life. I was given an Out [by the universe] & i decided not to take it. I Decided i am worth life. Throughout the years I've had my doubts. Cancer finally gave me peace of mind; I want to be here, I want to be here with all of you.
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The beginning was easy. That was Denial. The journey was hard. That was Strife. The end was success. That was Tenacity.
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