10:56pm
But the heartache still lingers. I hate that going into the hospital seems like such a dreadful activity, when truly I'm so thankful for everything the hospital and its staff has done for me.
I don't want to goo back though. I don't want to spend yet another week of my life, in one room- on one floor, receiving medicine that gets me sick in order to make me well again.
I don't want to leave my family. Can I stay home with Olive? Can i stay home across the street from where my mom works?
Can I be better yet?
Ive spent a lot of time in hospitals, in doctor's office this year. I've spent so much time alone.
I miss school. I miss having a job. i miss the robot script of someone i've never met before asking about my day. I miss the gym. I miss most of all being Allowed to do anything.
i cant brush my teeth, i cant eat shellfish, i cant put mascara on my eyelashes (because i dont have any eyelashes at the moment) i cant have my heart rate be more then 70% of my max, i cant drive at night, i cant blahblahblah....
Apparently its April? This year has yet to start for me; I've been on Cancer hold.
Tomorrow, maybe Tuesday, we find out if I'm CancerFree. What's that word they use again? Oh, Remission.
Tomorrow can't come soon enough, but at the same time i don't want tomorrow to come at all.
Please excuse my dramatic inflection, writing is one of the only alternative stress relievers that is not forbidden .
I can't stop crying tonight.
Goodnight all.
