Here's some verbage of the Struggle

I haven't posted here's why...

The denial of my sickness, lead me to not want to visit the past. The truth is my bearable suffering was emotionally traumatizing. Yes, i was STRONG, yes i fought with a smile on my face. But it was quite horrible, in the sense that while i spent so much time in the hospital i spent it ALONE. i spent so much time with myself and feeling terrible all while having to face the greatest fear of actually being alone. Visits from amazing volunteers and friends and family is all i looked forward to. Not only was i fighting cancer but i was fighting the demons that mentally bring me down. My negativity. all i wanted was a distraction from reality. Something else to be worse. and at that time it was WORSE, so how could i fight my sadness while at the same time try and survive? 

That's when i realized that my sadness is petty to the greater issues of  myself. Was i really wasting all that time on depressed matters, putting my faith in people who would further disappoint me. I love it when others are happy. It puts a damper on my day when people ask about my cancer... like it hurts them more than me. I'm one of the lucky ones. I got the best cancer anyone could ever get. others aren't so lucky and my heart aches for their families.

During my cancer treatment, i mostly fought with myself. I was given a chance to want to LIVE when for so long i wanted to take my own life. I was given an Out [by the universe] & i decided not to take it. I Decided i am worth life. Throughout the years I've had my doubts. Cancer finally gave me peace of mind; I want to be here, I want to be here with all of you.

__________

 

The beginning was easy. That was Denial. The journey was hard. That was Strife. The end was success. That was Tenacity.

Its my last sunrise...

Here at Hotel Cottage Hospital. i've spent a total of one and a half months, nonconsecutive. always wanting to leave, always wanting to go home. The pink and yellow skies always giving me hope. Never drew the blinds, always knew there was something better out there. Could this just have been Quarantine? Like maybe the world will be ready for me now. I'm 23. Forces of natures, including the internal ones have attempted to bring me down.

Cancer, you were so great. I Am so Thankful for my struggle and i hope along this journey i have strengthened the hearts of others, including my own and those who seek refuge in my experience.

Leaving the nurses, the volunteers, so bittersweet,
 Its like i had a voice. A confidence that strengthened so deeply by the connections of human beings who's desire is just for you to be well.
My gratitude for the medical field  is immense and that sunrise just keeps getting more beautiful.

I'm full of emotion. but hopefully i'll be able to leave Hotel Cottage,with the desire to LIVE. Cause ive been  recently put on medical hold, but mentally, my wings are finally spreading.

God is so GOOD

After all the Good News... what comes next?

THE CELEBRATIONS OF COURSE!!!

#CancerFreeBy23


 
Easter in Alhambra

Birthday Wine Tasting

Tutu Shenanigans!

Sunday Family Brunch

 

Before and After PET Scan Result of Cancer

#REMISSION
Cancer Free
Pet Scan

 The other dark spots in my body is the Dextrose being attracted to by kidneys and bladder


PMBCL
Primary Mediastinal B Cell

Courtesy of
Santa Barbara Cottage Hospital

Round 5: Who's ready for GOOD NEWS!?

I'm sure everyone will be quite delighted with today's post :)

So this weeks events played out as follows. 
On Monday there was a mix up with the hospital, so they were not able to admit me until Tuesday. I Started Chemo that day and I was scheduled for A PET Scan the following morning on Wednesday. This PET Scan was the  tell-tale-all. We would find out if there is anymore cancer left in my chest.

IF there was a presence then we would continue unto 8 cycles of chemotherapy.
FORTUNATELY we're still according to plan and we're only doing SIX!
Meaning.... IM CANCER FREE!!
WOOOOOOOOOOO

yes, yes, yes. Its all very exciting there is no more cancer but i still have to finish the current cycle of chemotherapy I'm on ( I'm here until Sunday, VISIT ME!) then two weeks of recovery at home then my final cycle, Round 6 April 28- May 4.

Chemo is still kicking my booty though!

Though this chapter in my life is fairly  short, it is one of the toughest. Still learning a lot about my strengths, attitudes, and ability to overcome adversities. It tested my relationship and my friendships. Kind of like who really is there for you in your most troubling times? Despite the sadness or anger or joy that this whole Cancer brought I'm immensely grateful for those who Stood up to the plate and did the best that they could in supporting me but most importantly letting me know they love me . 

Love is what got me through, LOVE IS WHAT GETS ME THROUGH, EVERYDAY. The Love of my Family, the Love of my friends, the Love of my Wonderful nurses, The Love my Family and Friends received from those in their lives! i guess I'll write a thank you schpeal when this is all done with.

Yesterday the Lord brought good news and today I share it with you, once again!

               I'M CANCER FREE BY 23

 

My Instgram picture 

I can see the end!

10:56pm

But the heartache still lingers. I hate that going into the hospital seems like such a dreadful activity, when truly I'm so thankful for everything the hospital and its staff has done for me. 
I don't want to goo back though. I don't want to spend yet another week of my life, in one room- on one floor, receiving medicine that gets me sick in order to make me well again.
I don't want to leave my family. Can I stay home with Olive? Can i stay home across the street from where my mom works? 

Can I be better yet?

Ive spent a lot of time in hospitals, in doctor's office this year. I've spent so much time alone.
 I miss school. I miss having a job. i miss the robot script of someone i've never met before asking about my day. I miss the gym. I miss most of all being Allowed to do anything. 
i cant brush my teeth, i cant eat shellfish, i cant put mascara on my eyelashes (because i dont have any eyelashes at the moment) i cant have my heart rate  be more then 70% of my max, i cant drive at night, i cant blahblahblah.... 

Apparently its April? This year has yet to start for me; I've been on Cancer hold. 

Tomorrow, maybe Tuesday, we find out if I'm CancerFree. What's that word they use again? Oh, Remission.
Tomorrow can't come soon enough, but at the same time i don't want tomorrow to come at all.

Please excuse my dramatic inflection, writing is one of the only alternative stress relievers that is not forbidden .

I can't stop crying tonight.
Goodnight all.

On That Morphine Drip...

Today is Monday. I'm in the hospital one week earlier than anticipated. BLEH
So this whole past week I have been pushing it. My body tired? extremely. I just don't want to be sick though. Like this last treatment gave me a whirly. The anxiety really got to me. I'm not good at sitting at home. I'm having low back pain from my muscles becoming so weak.

On Thursday, i got to work out at the Santa Barbara Athletic club

On Friday i went to a dodgers game

Saturday I tried to re-coup.
Sunday i ran out of pain killers and had to go to the doctors to get checked out. Went to Urgent Care at Sansum, then to the ER at Cottage, and then ended up on the 5th Floor where the Oncology department is where I was Admitted. So I'm back in the hospital for a couple days :(

The Mouth Sores just got infected. I thought they were my wisdom teeth being annoying, but that's just the site of infection. So then i just thought hey ER antibiotics and pain pills then send me on my way. Apparently i was Anemic, then neutropenic . Basically my Blood Count just dropped. Around 8pm when i got to the 5th floor then had Blood waiting for me. I got 2 pints of blood for my blood transfusion.  A shot here to increase my WBC count then pills pills pills,  I could barely speak, and I'm a chubby chipmunk. oh I'm also not allowed to eat, but that's fine because i haven't in the past two days anyways. my pain was intolerable when they gave me the highest dose of pain meds, which disappear after 2 hours?? that's it? so i have to be annoying and ask the nurse for a dose every two hours. almost the max. i have a high pain tolerance, but i also have a high pain med tolerance.

Can i go home yet?

Time. Money. Energy.

We enjoy what we can, when we can. But we may never have it all.

Hey Cancer...

Can you go away now? I mean its been a real experience and all, but i'd really really appreciate my health back.

And cranking up the dose every cycle? come on, now. This cycle i slept for 2 whole days, then was semi-awake for two. Then got sick the morning i'm supposedd to  be discharged. I look like a puffer-fish. I probably have 2 extra liters of fluids just sitting in my body, and when I try to drink more water for my parched lips, I puke. PLUS, my hemoglobin is low. byebye energy.

What is my body doing to me? gahhhh..............

Uno, Dos, Tres, QUATRO!

☀ 1, 2, 3, 4!

Already guys Halftime is over!! 3 Cycles of Chemo done; Only 3 more to go!!
Last time I was here at the hospital I couldn't wait to get out so I'm hoping to have a more pleasant time during Cycle 4.

I've been MIA, meaning i've just been too busy to be sick!
It's like "wuhhhh... she has cancer?"

🐾 🐾 🐾 🐾 🐾          

        o
OLIVE
The week before last Olive and I went on plenty of adventures. Short trails, Parks, and the Beach! Hendry's Beach is AMAZING! When you access the beach and hook left, theres an Off-Lease area for dogs. Olive and I go and she has playtime with dogs her size. (The bigger ones still scare her.) Little does she know... how big she's gunna be! Boy oh boy is she growing!
Took her to the Vet on Sat and she weighed 22 lbs! Thats over double than when we first got her, at about 10 lbs 6 weeks ago!.She'll be 4 months old tomorrow :)

Anyways, the beach is Awesome! I found myself lost in time; before you know it, we had been there for 3 hours. Life is beautiful and i'm appreciating time and being in the moment a lot more. They say having a child changes you, but well I have Olive, and she's my baby. Watching her play, grow, learn and interact.

 I allow her to address her animal instincts of protection in our family. If someone is at the gate, she alerts. Our home is her territory as well as ours and she is allowed to take care of it. I also train her instinct to hunt food. This I achieve by allowing Olive to be aware of meal time by smelling the bowl and then hiding her food so she can "hunt" for it. I just place it in a different location than usual. ( in the bush, different corner, behind a box or in TJ bag). This is a great mental stimulation for any pooch!!
 

As for dog instincts, i allow for her to express those as well. For Example, She Digs in designated corners of the yard and especially the beach! Lastly,with every dog comes different personality and behavior variables due to their Breed. Olive is an Australian Cattle Dog also known as the Queensland Heeler. She was bred to herd Cows. In santa barbara, there are not many cows to herd... unless you're driving on the 154. So I understand as an Owner of this type of breed, she needs to Chase! She's a working dog and needs work to be stimulated! Tennis Balls are her favorite, we've gone through at least 10 in the last month. I also bought her a soccer ball in which she has complete dominace over. I've named the SoccerBall "COW" and when i say cow, she goes and gets the COW! Given of course, its not puppy nap time.  It's tooo ADORABLE!

She's becoming a beautiful blonde with accents of white in her underlying coat. The cutest spots on her tail and head! Her Submission is respected by the rest of the members in her family; My brother Miguelitoh, my mom Hope, and myself. She is my number one OMEGA. Her listening and response to commands is improving and we've been working on commands daily.

💤💤💤 💤 💤  

Olive Taking a Nap in my Spot on the Couch 

BEST NEWS!
Olive is 4 months now which means she was eligible for all her shots during her last visit to the Vet! Which means, she CAN VISIT ME IN THE HOSPITAL for a couple hours a day! yayyyyyyyyyyy. Gotta get the OK on my health, following a DOC signature and BOOM! Olive heaven for 2-3 hours <3



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IN Other News....
>This last week I have been studying my booty off to take a test to become a certified personal trainer Through the National Academy of Sports Medicine. (NASM)
>This morning, I took that test.
>This morning, I passed that test.
>This morning, I became a Certified Personal Trainer!

✨✨✨

Got a lot of work ahead of me to promote myself and build a client base. But im EXCITED!

------------------------------
Is everyone all caught up?

Hiking!

 Douglas Family Preserve

 Rocky Nook Park

WATCH CUTE VIDEO OF OLIVE CROSSING MISSION CREEK AT ROCKY NOOK PARK

So happy to be home!

FINALLY! i'm home!

SIX days later...
Being at the hospital is the worst. It feels like prison. Being stuck in a room. Being able to see the outside and not go out. The Food doesnt sound good.
Chemo is getting WORSE. I thought it would be easier?
Im getting FAT.  I thought i would just lose muscle?
And the affect it has on your mental state. You get so stuck inside your head, watching time go by.
This time in the hospital, I gave myself a mani/pedi, finished a 500 piece puzzle, studied my NASM textbook, finished all of Psych on netflix, so how did this feel WORSE even if i was busier?
The anxiety kind of over takes you, i'm on steroids that don't let you sleep at night and it's tossing and turning, staring into the night. and its LONELY. I'm SOO extremely happy to be home! My mom is within arms reach and i'm NEVER alone. Olive is by my side always and i LOVE her so much.

I'M HALFWAY DONE WITH CHEMO!!

THANK GOD!! I'm so over cancer, guys. Physically feeling like something is sucking the life out of me.

Round 3!

Back in the Hospital this week aka the "hotel"! My Doctor thought i was responding well so we scheduled my Chemo a couple days early. I was admitted yesterday, I'll be here until saturday morning! Everything is all good!!

I ordered a couple wigs! Only one came in! it looks awesome.
Check it out! Check it out! This was on Sunday at my cousins 2yo bday party. fiesta, fiesta!

Also the past week, I took my babe to the vet, and to the beach.

 

She dug her own hole, next to the bigger hole.

HOW PERFECT IS OLIVE!!! i Can't wait to come home to her :)
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kayyyyy everything is super great i'll keep you all posted.
p.s the margherita pizza at cottage is BOMB!

Becoming More Active

9:25am

Round 2 in the hospital was definitely more difficult!! But my recovery rate was also as impressive. Post hospital (last sunday) until tuesday morning = "poopy feeling". Come the afternoon and a Positive Energy Tea I feel "OK" again. PS. feeling good is amazing! Take even an hour of feeling good over anything. Cancer surprises you and you can be feeling awesome one minute and then the next here's the drastic headache.

I've been out and about a lot more, visting friends and family. This has so much to do in part of my girl, OLIVE!

Being active through Olive walks at shoreline with running around ( i run, she chases me) It feels so AMAZING being able to run and well RUN!! The other day I was playing with olive and just cranked out 10 push-ups, like a boss! We also walk to my Auntie Lidia's house which is less than half a mile and Olive loves playing with Niniz as I run around and play with Jazmine.

Saturday morning , My cousin Ana, invited me to a bike ride and I said yes. I havent spent much time away from olive but thought this would be a perfect time to crate/ kennel train her as I will be returning to the hospital again in another short week and my babe will be home alone more (mama n bro work)

The Bike ride was Wonderful! Cruised it and just enjoyed beautiful santa barbara! The route was From the Eastside to Shoreline Park to the Cemetery, back home. Estimated maybe 10 miles?

Later we walked down state street with all the dogs KONA, NINIZ and OLIVE. Then Ana, Diana, Myself and Angelica (Diana's bf's Daughter) mobbed. Everyone DT was saying how Olive was so adorable and cute. Yay I win cuteness award, or at least my dog does! Olive is improving with a leash. After her second round of shots and my third Round of Chemo we're going to attempt hiking!

Hiking is a goal i've been looking forward to. For myself, in activity level, and for my canine buddy who will be roughing the terrains alongside. Learning experience for the both of us. I can't wait!

Olive- One week after Round 2

Hiii everyone!

I know its been a little while since I've posted a blog! Have No fear though! My health is in great condition! I have recently posted about my new pup, Olive. She's like a baby taking up all my time and i want to give her my full attention, she deserves it!

Olive, has been of great help! She has dereieved my focus on something else besides myself. I'm so obsessed watching her grow and develop,getting into mischeif and learning from her mistakes. I'm a proud doggy-mommy when she notifies me to get off the bed and go to the bathroom. Yes, its at 5 in the morning, but i'd rather wake up at 5, then having to wash my bedsheets at 5.

Right now im sitting on the porch and watching her play with her tennis ball, she's already lost or demolished like 4 of them. 

Later we have a doggydate with one of my friends Jenn who is the owner of a beautiful German Shepard named Asha. Yay for playdates :) I want my Little, soon not-to-be-little, Olive to be as social as she can be. Non-Aggressive and playful with other canines and of course human as well. We've gone to shoreline park and met other pooches along with their owners. Olive has really amazing cousins too like Kona (my cousin Diana's dog-Boxer 1yo) and Bonita aka Niniz (Auntie Lidia, Cousin Ana, Neice Jazmine-white curly haired 10 yo)

yay Olive!

Round 2, Day 3

I'm at the hospital for 5 days at a time, its Day 3 of this round and Its a little rougher- i have to admit! In the first round I already felt terrible, in a sense, coming into it, so while i was here i was Getting better because my cough and lumps were subsiding.

Round 2, I came into feeling pretty awesome, only to have the lethargy, stomach discomfort and constipation come back. Not being able to Poop is no joke! So I have to take stool softners  before bed every night, I refused a few times the first round because in my mind " oh i'm healthy, my body loves me, I don't want to depend on anything" Bad idea. So this time i'm taking the meds but those meds have their side effects too. Its like cramping and stomach churning Discomfort, for sure.

The decrease in exercise also has an impact becasue my metabolism has slowed down. Now add that to my high fat, high carb, decrease in fiber diet that i've been induldging in and I'm sure that doesn't help. Also i pee about 15x a day!

Last week, I ate whatever I wanted. Once that chemo hit yesterday, my appetite was gone! ahhh nothing sounds good! Nothing! I've eaten while I'm here but food does not taste like food :( byebye tastebuds for a little while again. I'll eat like twice a day. Give or take an hour I eat 5 hours after I wake up and pretty much get into starvation mode before i eat again. Im sure i'm hungry but its not until my stomach starts growling or my head starts aching that its like "yeaaa, i know im hungry, but no appetite!" oh the struggle and then DECIDING what to eat?! gee

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Who wants to see cool pictures of me and my cool PORT thingy? and my Robot. tehehe Medicine is so cool!

 ^^^R2,D1-- Post procedure. Just got my Port installed in me!

 ^^^ R2, D2 - Changed the dressing and there's minor bleeding. but there's this thing the size of a waterbottle cap Implanted in me so they can draw blood, give chemo without the millions of pokes! Its way more convenient and less painful than having a Pic line in my arm! They access everything they need from this little device thing!

 

^^^ R2, D3- You know just chillin with my ROBOT in my bikini top, yoga pants, trader joes hoodie and bandana. I gotta move this thing everywhere i go! i can be at max 4 feet away from it. Im plugged into it, its plugged into the wall. haha.

Feb. 5th Update!

I would love for everyone to meet my new Pup... Olive!

 This little beauty is a eleven-week old, female, bundle of JOY! Her breed in Australian Cattle Dog

 Cutie Patootie!

My hairs fallen out! Its like weird fuzzed out, idk how bald people do it, my heads like cold. whatever though. I wear a bandana or hat around people so they don't get all freaked out.

Well im back in the hospital for another 5 day stay. 

Its not a bad view from my room :) 

Round ✌, LET'S DO THIS!!